In June, I found out I was pregnant and my world came crashing down. I was scared…actually more like terrified. The father and I were not on the best terms to say the least. I was not in a relationship with God. I knew about him but I didn’t know about being in a relationship with him.
My first reaction to this news was to call a close, trusted relative and beg her for guidance. I really thought that her advice would be the best – because normally, I trusted her judgement. Her answer was to have an abortion; she said it was pretty much my only answer. She told me that my life would be changed so much if I had a baby. I was told that she would set it all up, it wouldn’t hurt and it would be fast.
So the next week, a friend’s mom took me to a clinic in Fort Worth to have an abortion. As we pulled up, I saw the protestors with their signs yelling at the women walking in. I was scared but I wanted to trust my relative that this was the best thing to do. So I walked in and filled out the papers and sat down to wait. I sat there with all the other moms because that’s what we were. From the moment that baby was formed, we were mothers. I would love to say that I changed my mind at the last minute and ran out of there. I didn’t however. I went back into that room and had the abortion.
After that day I was not the same girl who walked into that clinic. My relative told me it wouldn’t hurt and I would be fine, but she couldn’t have been more wrong. I was in the worst pain I had ever felt. Don’t be confused though – I was not in physical pain. My heart was in pain. My soul was in pain.
I became extremely depressed and turned to the darkness – more like I clung to it. I started drinking heavily and I took my eating disorder to a whole new level. I needed to feel control and that was how I did it.
The father of the baby, who I eventually married, didn’t get a say. I didn’t give him one. I made that choice without thought of how it would affect him. He was heart broken, and so I carried that guilt with me also. I carried that shame, guilt, anger, and bitterness with me for years. It ate at me every day and it ate at my husband. He finally forgave me but I didn’t forgive myself. I didn’t forgive myself till 10 years later when I found Cleburne Bible Church. Being at this church I realized that God did love me and he forgave me for what had happened.
I am telling this part of my story to make young, scared moms aware. I want you to know that the choice to have an abortion is not the easy choice, the easy way out. You will have your heart ripped out and your soul will lose a piece. You will lose a little of the light that shines through you. I have been there and I have felt that pain and some days it was unbearable.
I am so thankful every day that I found this church and built my relationship with the Father. I am not the girl that went into that clinic and I am not the girl that came out of that clinic. I am the daughter of the One True King.